We understand that grief is “the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.” (James and Friedman) In fact, grief is “as natural to every person as breathing. It is inevitable!” (Westberg). But, did you know that grief is “uniquely normal?”

Grief is natural and normal; yet, it is unique to each person. Cynthia Bailey-Rugs states that grief “is as unique as your fingerprint, and like finger prints, no two people’s grief is exactly alike.” (Cynthia Bailey-Rug) As finger prints (and snow flakes) are unique, no two people grieve the same. Yet, there are generalizations that have been made from studying grief that identify normal grief symptoms. Normal symptoms can be emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioral; but, that doesn’t mean that everyone has every symptom. We are all unique, and will experience grief in our own unique way. Some people may display similar grief symptoms, but no one will be completely like you. You are “uniquely normal.”

Per Theresa Rando, “In anticipation of a future loss a form of normal grief can occur.” This is the grief that begins before the death of a loved one occurs, as death is imminent. Thus, with the awareness of the future loss a person begins the grieving process before loss occurs.

Most people have heard of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her five stages of grief: Denial & Isolation (Shock), Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Ross developed her five stages of grief as she studied the behaviors of dying patients. Her work was based on people experiencing anticipatory grief.

If you have experienced the loss of a friend or loved one due to a long, drawn-out illness, more than likely you’ve experienced anticipatory grief.

A reality we need to understand about grief is that grief is work.

The term “grief work” was coined by Eric Lindemann in the 1940s. In his research, he determined that grief was work because it “required the expenditure of both physical and emotional energy.” (Rando)

Grief work can be defined as the “activities associated with thinking through the loss, facing its reality, expressing the feelings and emotions experienced, and becoming re-involved in life.” (Worden)

Also, H. Norman Wright says that, “your grief will take more energy than you ever imagined and show in all spheres of your life.” (Wright)

In reality, grief is exhausting and processing the many spheres of grief is work. Unfortunately, grief is a process that requires every person to do his/her own work, and no one can do it for you. That’s why grief feels so exhausting and lonely.

For more information like this, check out Dr. Michael’s book, “Equipping the Church with Grief Ministry Skills.”

The loss of a child!

I’ve recently written articles on compound grief and delayed grief, using a friend’s testimony of her losing her son seven years ago and her husband four years ago. The fact that she had never addressed the reality of her son’s death, when she lost her husband, led to intense grief even seven years after her son’s death.

According to noted author, Dr. H. Norman Wright, the death of a child is unlike any other loss. He states that a “it is a horrendous shock no matter how it happens.” When you lose a child your world is turned upside down. And it’s not just your world that is destroyed. It impacts so many others, including siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and so on. But if you are a grieving parent, your grief is complex and intense. Unless others in your life have lost a child, they won’t fully understand.

Wright says that there are several issues at work when we lose a child:

• One of the most difficult and disturbing issues to handle is the wrongness of the child’s death. It just shouldn’t happen It doesn’t make sense. It’s death out of turn. Death violates the cycle that children grow up and replace the old.
• Another thing that stands out is the fact that a parent feels victimized. You feel as though you’ve lost part of yourself, or even part of your physical body.
• A child’s death also robs you of the love you received from your child, whether that be a young child or and adult child. You will miss the physical interaction with your child.
• A child’s death also robs you of your future. The anticipated years, full of so many special events, were ripped away from you. You experience so many other losses as well.

Dr. Wright states that “Because all these losses, your grief over the death of a child will be more intense and last longer than grief over the loss of anyone else. The death of a child had been called the ultimate bereavement.”

Dr. Wright further states that “No parent is ever prepared to lose a child regardless of the cause o the child’s age. But you can learn to recover and survive, and it is a learning process.”

Dr. Wright knew this by experience. He lost his son Matthew, at age 22.

If you have experienced the ultimate grief, you know all too well how difficult it is to work through it. I would encourage you to believe you will recover, and be patient with yourself as you work through your grief. Additionally, I would encourage you to join a support group with those who have experienced similar loss, especially if you have limited support from family and friends. Trying to work through your grief alone can prolong your recovery, as you isolate yourself from others. Lastly, but no less important, please don’t neglect the role of faith in your recovery. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and sees those who are crushed in the spirit.”

For further information on the ultimate bereavement, check out Dr. Wright’s book “Experiencing the Loss of a Family Member.” Quotes for this blog came from the book.

Delayed grief takes place when “normal grief is delayed for an extended period of time, up to years, especially if there are pressing responsibilities or the mourner feels he/she cannot deal with the process at the time.” (Rando) For the mourner that experiences delayed grief, it may resurface years later, possibly triggered by another loss.

Recently I shared an experience of a friend experiencing compound grief, as she lost her adult son seven years ago, and her husband four years ago. During our conversation, my friend shared how she only recently opened the door to her son’s room, for the first time in seven years. She described her experience as “grief-stricken” and “stuck trying to move forward.” For her, to face the reality of her loss was unbearable when it first happened. Yet, she didn’t realize she was delaying her grief into the future and would face the reality of her loss again. As she opened the door to her son’s room, she felt the full weight of her grief all over again and began crying uncontrollably.

I wish I could say that my friend is wonderful now, but the reality of her grief is that she is hurting, and most of her family and friends don’t even realize the depth of her pain. In her own words, she said that she “may look okay on the outside, but she is dying on the inside.” The pain of her loss was delayed, and is just as real seven years later.

Compound grief is when you have more than one loss at a time, and grief is compounded, or stacked. When a person suffers more than one loss, grief can be complicated and remain unresolved, being too much for one person to cope with.

I was reminded of this struggle last week when someone contacted me after reading my post about grief ambush. This person had experienced the loss of an adult son seven years ago, and then her husband three years later. Though the deaths were three years apart, she never allowed herself to fully grieve the loss of her son, when her husband died suddenly. Four years later, she is finally having to address her grief. As we talked, she stated that, “If God knows I’m hurting over the loss of my child, why take my husband?” For her, the pain is real and the compound grief is almost unbearable.

I wish I could say that compound grief is rare, but unfortunately it is not. Many families have been devastated by the Coronavirus, losing more than one family member. As we well know, the loss of one family member is enough to turn your world upside down. For those experiencing multiple losses, the struggles are even more complicated and can remain unresolved for years, like the woman who lost her son and her husband three years apart.

The encouragement I gave her, and the encouragement I give you is found in 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” There is nothing you are going through that you cannot cast on the Lord!

Please pray for this friend of mine who is struggling with her compound losses and trying to confront her grief, and pray for those you know who may be struggling with similar situations.

MB

Grief Ambush

What is grief ambush? Theresa Rando says it is “an acute upsurge in grief that occurs suddenly and often when least expected, interrupting ongoing activities and temporarily leaving a person out of control.”

You may not have known what it is called, but you know what it feels like to be ambushed by grief. It comes on you suddenly, unexpectedly, as if you are under attack. I experienced it Sunday when I got into my dad’s old gray truck. I had been in the truck the day before, but it had been cold and nothing caught my attention. But, as I got in the truck Sunday afternoon, with the warmer temperature, I could smell my dad. Yes, that’s right! And that’s when grief ambushed me, and I started crying. It has been six months since his passing, and it still doesn’t seem real sometimes.

I wasn’t alone in the truck. My son, Jonah, was with me. He knew something was wrong. I couldn’t hide the tears, so I told him. He knew it, He could smell Pawpaw too. But Jonah didn’t cry. Instead, he tried to lighten the mood and asked me, “Have you touched the radio since you’ve driven the truck?” I said, “No.” He said, “I bet you that it’s set to southern gospel music…” So, I turned on the radio and of course, it was playing southern gospel music, and we had a good laugh.

Grief ambush attacks you often when you least expect it, even after you have grieved for a while. Sometimes you may anticipate it, and maybe even prepare yourself a little. Other times it will catch you by surprise, and you wilt. But that’s okay. I say it like this, “The tears you cry are a reflection of the love you shared. Just remember, that’s love running down your cheeks.”