There is no Timetable for Grief

Deuteronomy 34:8, “The Israelites grieve for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over.”

It would be nice, you know; if grieving had a neat time length that was clear-cut and precise. The Israelites mourned the loss of Moses for thirty days and that was it, “the time of weeping and mourning was over.” Unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way. Kenneth Rando says that “There is simply no timetable to grief.” H. Norman Wright says that “your grief will take longer than most people think.”

The reality of grief is that there is no timetable. Some people are resilient and quickly return to living productive lives, while others struggle but recover at a slower pace, and even some may remain in acute grief for years. If you are one of the ones stuck in acute grief for years, there may be a need for professional grief counseling.

Also, there are several factors that may inhibit a person’s grief recovery. Alan Wolfelt lists a few of these in his book, Death and Grief. The most prominent are: 1) The nature of the relationship with the person who died, 2) The unique characteristics of the person who died, 3) The nature of the death, 4) Other crises or stresses in the person’s life, and 5) Previous experiences with death. These are just a few of the one’s Wolfelt mentions.

In my own experience, the difficulty of working through the loss of my father has been the suddenness of his death. At 79 years of age, he was given a clean bill of health on August 6th and passed on August 16th, while feeding his horses. It was a peaceful death, as he fell asleep at the barn and never woke up. But, the lack of anticipatory grief gave us no time to say goodbye, and there were so many things that we never discussed. As my mother says, “I wish I had one more hour to discuss the things we never got around to talking about.”

For those who think they should have been “better” by now, give yourself more time. I agree with C.S. Lewis, after losing his wife, as he said, “the greater the love, the greater the grief.” Some things take a while, and grief is one of those things. There is no timetable for grief, so don’t let anyone tell you that you should be “better” by now.

Secondary Losses

Deuteronomy 34:8, “The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab….”

Recently, we’ve watched the United Kingdom experience the loss of Queen Elizabeth II, one of the most highly watched funerals of all time. Many of us looked on as the family grieved their loss, as well as the multitude of others. In our passage today, we see the Israelites struggle with grief after the passing of Moses. The loss for the nation was enormous. The nation grieved the loss of a leader, but that wasn’t all. With every loss, there is a multitude of secondary losses. It may seem like an odd pairing, but Moses and Queen Elizabeth II were influencers and their deaths sent ripples of grief throughout their many relationships. Yes, their family grieved, but many more people grieved as well.

In my own life, I experienced the loss of my father in August 2021. He didn’t have the influence of the Queen or Moses, but he knew a lot of people in North Mississippi and was fondly known as the Pope of Tippah County by a few people. As we continue to heal from the loss of my father, we are constantly reminded of the secondary losses that occurred. As we live day to day in our small community, friends and neighbors still grieve the loss of my father as well. When many of them see us, they can’t help but tell of some experience they had with my dad and how he had such an enormous effect on their lives. The effect of his death continues to produce ripples of grief. At first, we almost dreaded these conversations, as the grief was fresh, but now we greet each person with a smile and are thankful for them sharing a memory of my father with us. We now realize that it was his life that still affects people, not his death, and that’s a blessing.

The Grieving Heart of God

Genesis 6:6, “The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.”

It may be surprising, but the first usage of the word “grief” in the Bible is spoken about God. The Lord “was grieved” over the wickedness of man and even regretted creating man. If grief is ultimately about loss, God was grieving the loss of fellowship he had with Adam and Eve prior to the fall. Now, in Genesis 6, sin has run rampant and God’s greatest creation has become His greatest regret. Unfortunately, the same occurs in our lives as often the individuals that bring us the greatest joy can also bring us the greatest heartache. Thus, when God was grieved over man’s sinfulness, it describes God as “His heart was filled with pain.” Truly grief is the pain of the heart, the suffering that takes place when the sufferer loses someone or something that he/she greatly valued. God valued His greatest creation and the fellowship with man that he enjoyed prior to the fall. That which God so highly valued, He lost! The emotional effects of God experiencing the loss of fellowship with man was grief, as His heart “was filled with pain.”

It may be that you have a heart “filled with pain” today. You may be grieving the loss of that special someone or the loss of something you highly valued. Just know that God knows all about grief, and you can carry your burdens to the Lord. Remember 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” Just throw your cares upon Him and let Him carry your burdens today. He knows all about grief. He has experienced the pain of the heart!

A. The “Postponer” – “The “Postponer” is the person who believes that if you delay the expression of your grief over time it will hopefully go away.”

B. The “Displacer” – “The “Displacer” is the person who takes the expression of grief away from the loss itself and displaces the feelings in other directions.”

C. The “Replacer” – “The “Replacer” is the person who takes the emotions that were invested in the relationship that ended in death and reinvests the emotions prematurely in another relationship.”

D. The Minimizer – “The “Minimizer” is the person who is aware of feelings of grief, but when felt, works to minimize the feelings by diluting them through a variety of rationalizations.”

Do you recognize yourself, or someone you know, in one of these grief avoidance response styles?

These response styles were are a product of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, and can be found in “Death and Grief: A Guide for Clergy“. Dr. Baker has used them with permission in, “Equipping the Church with Grief Ministry Skills.”

1. When someone feels he is no longer of value as a person.
2. When he/she acts in a manner inconsistent with his usual behavior.
3. When he/she makes veiled threats as self-destruction.
4. When he/she makes dramatic gestures through superficial attempts.
5. When he/she exhibits anti-social behavior.
6. When excessive hostility is demonstrated.
7. When he/she engages in excessive drinking.
8. When he/she is extremely moody.
9. When he/she withdraws completely and no longer interacts with others.
10. When he/she is fleeing reality by sudden decisions to flee to remote places.

You can find this list from C. Charles Bachmann in Dr. Baker’s book, “Equipping the Church with Grief Ministry Skills.”

According to Kenneth Doka, “these losses are at least typically not recognized and supported by others. Disenfranchised losses are not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly shared.: For example, when you have a loss that you cannot grieve publicly for, such as the loss of a homosexual child in an homophobic culture. Another example is the loss of a lover in an adulterous relationship, which cannot be openly expressed by attendance at the funeral.

Often the situation around the death will result in an inability to publicly grieve, which hinders a person’s ability to complete the grieving process. With the loss, there is an increased potential for complicated grief, as it may manifest itself in delayed grief, chronic grief, or possibly even absent grief. With these complications, the healing process may take longer and will effect a person physically, emotionally, and mentally.

From Norman H. Wright’s book, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse

1. Your grief will take longer than most people think. (To recover from the loss of a spouse, whether through death or divorce, will likely take three to five years.) 
2. Your grief will take more energy than you ever imagined. 
3. Your grief will involve many changes and will continue to develop. 
4. Your grief will show in all spheres of your life. 
5. Your grief will depend on how you perceive the loss. 
6. You will grieve for many things symbolic and tangible, not just for the death alone. 
7. You will grieve for what you have lost already, and for what you have lost for the future. 
8. Your grief will entail mourning, not only for the person you lost, but also for hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person and for the unmet needs because of death. 
9. Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions more than just the general ones often depicted, such as depression and sadness. 
10. Your loss will resurrect old issues, feelings, and unresolved conflicts from the past. 
11. You may have a combination of anger and depression, exhibited as irritability, frustration, annoyance, and intolerance. 
12. You will feel some anger and guilt – or at least some manifestation of these emotions. 
13. You may experience grief spasms – acute upsurges of grief that occur without warning. 
14. You will have trouble thinking about memories, handling organizational tasks, intellectually processing information, and making decisions. 
15. You may feel like you are going insane.
16. You may be obsessed with the death and preoccupied with the deceased. 
17. Others will have unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately to you. 

• They don’t know what to say.
  • Let’s be honest. We all struggle with what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. We definitely don’t want to say the wrong thing, or even the right thing in the wrong way.
• They are afraid of our feelings.
  • Unfortunately, people are afraid they might say something that may make you cry.
• They try to change the subject.
  • Not knowing what to say will often lead people to change the subject so they don’t have to talk about your loss.
• They intellectualize.
  • By intellectualizing the conversation, they prevent it from getting to the level of human emotions.
• The don’t hear us.
  • Often, some of our closest friends don’t hear us because they are not comfortable talking about their own inhibitions.
• They don’t want to talk about death.
  • We live in a grief avoidant society that does not want to talk about the reality of death, though we are exposed to it daily.
• They want us to keep our faith.
  • Unfortunately, people avoid talking about grief with those who are grieving because they are afraid that it will cause the grief sufferer to lose faith and fall further into depression.

It really is unfortunate that often people will not allow the grief sufferer to talk about their grief because it makes them uncomfortable. Why is it unfortunate? Often the greatest need of the grief sufferer is talk about their loss and have someone listen to them. James Miller once said, “There are three things you can do to help someone. The first is to listen, the second it to listen. The third is to listen more.” Victoria Alexander states from her work with grief sufferers that, “every griever has three essential needs: to find words to express the loss, to say the words aloud, and to know the words have been heard.”

Myth 1: Grief is a predictable process.

Reality – It’s not! Grief is individual and every loss we experience is unique.

Myth 2: There is a timetable to grief.

Reality – Nope! There is simply no timetable for grief.

Myth 3: Grief is about letting go.

Reality – We retain a continuing bond with those we love.

Myth 4: After a loss, we need closure.

Reality – There can never be “closure.”

Myth 5: We need to process the loss in order to reach resolution. –

Reality – We each process loss in our own way.

Myth 6: Human beings are naturally resilient to loss.

Reality – Many individuals are resilient in experiencing loss, yet many find grief difficult-even disabling.

Myth 7: It is easier to accept death after a prolonged illness.

Reality – All deaths are difficult.

For further explanation of “The Myths and Realities of Grief,” check out Kenneth Doka’s book Grief is a Journey.

Nancy Guthrie recommends 10 things to do to comfort the bereaved:

1. Don’t try to “fix” their grief, but do say something.
2. Don’t tell a story about your own loss, or someone else’s.
3. Be a welcomed companion in grief, regardless of how well you know them.
4. Give them permission to cry.
5. Proactively meet practical needs.
6. Use their loved one’s name in conversation.
7. If you knew the person who died, tell their grieving loved one a story about him/her.
8. If possible, simply show up at the visitation, the funeral, and beyond.
9. Invite them to talk about their grief and their loved one who died.
10. Reach out to the grieving member of your congregation on the anniversary of their loved one’s death.