Job 32:11-12a, “I waited while you spoke, I listened to your reasoning, while you were searching for words, I gave you full attention.”

Most scholars in the field of grief list “listening” as one of the top skills for caregivers. Though Elihu had heard all he wanted to from Job and was about to talk, his greatest quality was that of waiting while the grief sufferer spoke. Listening is important because sometimes the grief sufferer has a hard time processing his/her thoughts or emotions. In fact, grief can be so overwhelming that the grief sufferer may have a hard time thinking logically or reasoning orderly. Giving the grief sufferer your full attention is important.

Unfortunately, listening is a lost art in our society and patient listening is even more remote. People want to talk and it’s as if they “can’t help it.” Most people that listen, are actually trying to think of their response, without actually listening very well to the grief sufferer. Waiting, listening, and giving full attention are some of the best things a caregiver can do for the grief sufferer. Anyone can be impatient and talk, and most people do, but grief sufferers need a patient listener to hear them express their feelings and emotions, without interruption and without condemnation.

Next time you find yourself in a conversation, with someone hurting, try practicing the lost art of listening, with patience and giving your full attention.

Job 30:31, “My harp is tuned to morning, and my flute to the sound of wailing.”

For Job, his misery was so consuming that the only music his heart heard was that of mourning and wailing. His life had become a funeral dirge- a sad, sad song. Possibly, Job had a harp and a flute, and possibly he loved to play them musically. Yet every time he went to play the instruments the only tunes that came from them were tunes of grief.

That’s the way grief is! It is consuming! It consumes every area of your life and turns it into mourning. Your mind and heart will not let go of your grief and turn everything into pain and loss. During these times of grieving, there is no escape. You go to bed consumed with grief. If you can sleep, you wake up with grief consuming you instantly. At times you feel like a zombie, as grief consumes you and you go through the motion of life in numbness.

As I’ve read recently, “Nothing is better for the blues, than the blues.” The writer was talking about the musical genre, the blues. Sometimes misery loves company and even though the harp and the flute are “tuned to mourning,” just keep playing the music of your heart until you notice a change. It may take a while for your heart music to change, but keep playing, change will come eventually.

Psalm 30:11, “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,” NLT

Job 29:25c, “I was like one who comforts mourners.”

In Job 29, Job was reminded of better days, when he says, “God watched over me.” Then he began reminiscing how God had blessed him with wealth and influence. In that season of blessings, Job recalled how he helped a lot of people and was thankful for the privilege of helping others. Prior to the death of his children, he was “like one who comforts mourners.” He comforted the grieving, the weak, the needy,… etc. But now, after suffering loss, he is the one in need of comfort. He wasn’t used to having people comfort him. He was used to providing comfort to others.

Such is life! Today you may be the comforter, yet tomorrow you may be in need of comfort. Death and grief frequently visit us all! We learn to give and receive comfort. At some point in time, everyone needs to be comforted. Today it may be you. Tomorrow it may be me.

I’m reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:4-5, “He comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Job 19:7, “I cry out, ‘Help!’ but no one answers me. I protest, but there is no justice.” NLT

Job 23:3, “If only I knew where to find him so that I could go to his throne!” CSB

Often the most difficult part of grief is the silence of God. We cry and we petition God, only to be met with silence. That silence is devastating when we are used to walking and talking with God. It really is as Job states, “If only I knew where to find him…” It is as if we have lost God.

We struggle with this because in our deepest, darkest moments we feel that God has temporarily abandoned us. We know Scripture tells us differently, but when a person is grieving a loss, feelings are prominent in our experience. Like Job, we would love to find God and deliver our case against HIm for allowing our loss and being silent when we need HIm the most.

It’s a difficult thing to accept, you know….. We are taught of God’s omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence, yet we cannot understand how God allows certain things to happen. In dealing with our grief, it is normal to have a lot of questions, and often these questions are met with silence. The only thing left is trust! We must trust the character of God – His love, His goodness, His holiness, His righteousness, and much, much more. You can trust Him, though He may be silent. You can trust Him, though it may seem He cannot be found.

When we look at the life of Job, we see a man whose life was in shambles, who passionately pleaded for God to speak from the silence. Yet, Job proved that though he had lost everything meaningful in his life, he still trusted the Lord. It’s a scary thing, but in the story of Job, we do see faith utterly standing alone. May we have a stand-alone faith that trusts in the Lord through the silence of our grief.

A story from Harold Ivan Smith’s book, A Decembered Grief:

“Once upon a time a great king owned a beautiful diamond. But there was a problem. The diamond had a flaw- a scratch in the middle. It could never be given, worn, or admired. So, the king, who was used to having his subjects make him happy, sent word throughout his vast kingdom that great riches, position, and prestige would come to any individual who could take away the flaw. Well, they came, the best of jewelers and artists, even magicians – not just from the kingdom, but from across the mountains and the seas. But alas- no one could remove the scratch. The king despaired. Then one day a young man arrived, somewhat optimistic about his chances for doing what no one else had been able to do. Oh, he heard the doubters and the scoffers. But he asked for a quiet place to work where he would not be disturbed. Every day the king asked, “Well?” And the determined young man would answer, “Not yet.” Days passed. Weeks passed. Then one afternoon the young man handed the diamond to the king. Slowly a smile spread across the king’s face, and then a great “Yes!” ricocheted through the palace. The queen, the courtesans, and the knights crowded in for a closer look. The scratch was still there! But the young man had carved a rose around it, using the scratch as a stem.” (Smith, Harold Ivan, A Decembered Grief, (Kansas City, Kansas: Beacon Hill Press, 2011)

Like the diamond, the loss of a loved one leaves a deep scar on our lives. At the same time, the healing that comes through grieving can transform you. The scar will remain, but you will be changed.

Job 16:2b, “miserable comforters are you all.”

No one intends on being “miserable comforters,” yet, like Job’s friends, we all have the potential to be just that – “miserable comforters.” As we mentioned in previous devotions, the first seven days, Job’s friends sat in silence, as they withheld their words. They offered the comforting presence of friends in a time when words were insufficient. It was when they opened their mouths and began talking that they became “miserable comforters.”

What did they do wrong? They tried offering simplistic theological explanations for Job’s experience. They accused Job of hidden sin, that brought this catastrophe on himself. Job’s friends could not accept the fact that bad things often happen to good people, without there being a just cause. But the purpose of the book of Job is not an attempt to explain human suffering, but rather to show believers that a person’s faith can survive life’s most difficult challenges.

Additionally, the book of Job shows the harmful effects of the most well-intentioned friends with judgmental attitudes. What if they were right? What if their accusations had been true, that Job had unconfessed sin? Would it have lessened the pain of losing ten children? No! More than likely, it would have led Job to feel guilty for the loss of his children. If we are going to comfort friends or family during their loss, it would be best to leave our judgmental attitudes at home, lest we become “miserable comforters.” Let us be present, display empathy, offer our condolences, and limit our words to that of loving encouragement.

Job 9:25, “My days are swifter than a runner; they fly away without a glimpse of joy.”

For Job, the loss of his children was so devastating that he never thought he would experience joy again. Such is the case in many grief experiences, as people feel they will never experience joy again. For parents, the loss of a child is considered the “ultimate” grief. For Job, the grief was even more traumatic as he lost all ten of his children in one incident.

Additionally, Job suffered from compound grief (grief compounded by more than one loss) as he lost all his wealth, children, and many of his servants in a short period of time. On top of that, Job eventually lost his health due to the antics of Satan. All these losses at one time would be difficult for even the strongest believer, and Job was just that, “blameless before God and righteous in all his ways.” Yet, we see his humanity and the difficulty any person would have when experiencing loss of this magnitude.

For believers, it is okay to give your hurts to God, and Job did just that. Job faced discouragement, depression, and despair, and gave his hurt to God. He even cursed the day he was born, wishing he had never lived. Yet, Scripture says that “in everything He did not sin.” As Job conveyed his feelings to God, he did not feel that the grief would ever leave him. He was drowning in despair, and joy seemed so far away. He wasn’t sure that he would never experience joy again.

Maybe that is you today. You’ve experienced unparalleled loss and nothing in life could prepare you for what you are experiencing now. It maybe that your grief is so overwhelming that you might think that you’ll never experience joy again. That’s where Job was, right where you are, and yet, in time the Lord restored the blessings and the joy. If God can do it for Job, He can do it for you. Give yourself time! Be patient with yourself! Be kind to yourself! You have suffered much. Don’t be afraid to give your burdens to the Lord, over and over. It may take a while, longer than you think, but the Lord can restore the joy in time.

Job 4:2, “If someone ventures a word with you, will you be impatient? But who can keep from speaking.”

In the immediate time after death, presence is essential for comforting the grief sufferer. The comforting presence of a friend is invaluable. But, one of the most common mistakes is the awkwardness of words. Silence is difficult, especially in our western culture which is accustomed to giving answers and advice. Many people, accustomed to talking, impatiently burst forth in words as Eliphaz the Teminite did. He had held his tongue as long as possible and then burst forth with words that were hurting and harmful. He even acknowledged the difficulty in keeping silent. It was hard for him to do! But, make no mistake, his presence was comforting until he opened his mouth.

I’ve been there (and so have you), that place of awkward silence where you feel being there is not enough. You want to say something, but you don’t know what to say. You struggle for words, only to feel words are inadequate. I’ve learned that when you don’t know what to say, just say nothing, and give them a hug (if that is acceptable). It is safer! Your presence is the most important part, as it conveys your love, care, and support. Understanding this point ensures the caregiver that words are unnecessary. It is difficult enough for the person who has lost a loved one to process recent events. If anything, allow them the opportunity to talk and try to encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings, without trying to offer advice and answers. But, this is difficult, as Eliphaz says, “But who can keep from speaking?”

Job 2: 11, “When Job’s three friends…., heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.”

The story of Job’s friends comforting him in the loss of his adult children is a great example of grief care in Scripture. Job’s friends surrounded him in his time of loss and tried to comfort him. In this brief passage (Job 2:11-13) we see at least five grief skills: compassion, empathy, presence, silence, and sympathy.

Job’s three friends were most likely his peers, tribal leaders with equal social status in their communities. Upon hearing of Job’s loss, they met together and planned a trip to see Job. Their trip was planned with the intention of expressing their sympathy in hopes of providing a measure of comfort to Job and his wife.

In our times of loss, the attentiveness of friends is an important part of coping with loss. The presence of friends reminds us that we are loved and cared for in our time of need. Not only did Job’s friends bless him with their presence, but they also empathized with Job’s suffering as they wept aloud, tore their clothes, and sprinkled dust on their heads. They came sympathetically but felt Job’s pain and their sympathy turned to empathy as they took on the pain that Job felt. (I’ll explain the difference between sympathy and empathy in a later post.)

One of the most important parts of their grief care was that they sat in silence, as “no one said a word to him.” We often hear that “Silence is golden,” but in grief care it is invaluable. In fact, it is not until Job’s friends start talking that they botch things up.

The silent presence of friends or loved ones is comforting and conveys an abiding love for the grief sufferer.

I’m Not Okay!

John 11:32, “When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

I’ve recently received a message from one of our readers that expressed the emotional pain she is experiencing after losing her husband to a brief illness. They had been married thirty years, successfully launched their three young adult children, and were looking forward to growing old together. The last words in her message were, “I’m not okay.”

As we look at the words of Mary, after her brother’s death, she is basically saying, “I’m not okay.” She had sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick. He had plenty of time to get there. Jesus didn’t show up. She was hurt and she wanted Him to know it. The reality for Mary and Martha at the death of Lazarus was one of grief and emotional pain. They were hurting. They were not “okay.”

The one thing they did do correctly was to give their pain to Jesus. Both of them were quick to ask Jesus, “Why?” “Why did you not come?” “Why did you not show up?” “If you had only shown up!” These were cries of emotional pain, that frankly touched the heart of Christ. We see in verse 33, “When Jesus saw her weeping….he was deeply moved in spirit and it troubled him.” In verse 35, we see that “Jesus wept.”

Today, you may be drowning in the emotional pain of your grief. Christians are not immune to death and loss. None of us are immune, though we wish we were. And the truth is, correct theology won’t prevent you from grieving your loss. To quote C.S. Lewis after the loss of his wife, “The greater the love, the greater the loss.” I want to let you know that it is “okay” to not be “okay.” In fact, if you were “okay” after a significant loss, it would be abnormal, anything but normal.

I would like to encourage you to give your emotional pain to the Lord. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your cares (grief, emotional pain, anxiety, worries) upon him because he cares for you.” He loves you no less than Mary and Martha. If they could cast their cares upon Him, I know you can. I want to encourage you to give Jesus your pain. Cast it all upon Him. Let him know that you are not “okay.”

Also, remember that the recurring name of the Holy Spirit is that of “Comforter” (John 14:26) and that God is the “Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,…” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). The emotional pain of your loss may be too acute for you to feel comforted at this time, but keep giving your pain to the Lord and in time the Comforter will do His work.

May the Lord bless you and comfort you through your time of grieving, as you cast all your cares upon Him.