Genesis 25:5, “Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac.”

Abraham left all of his riches to Isaac, literally everything he owned! For Isaac, this was a rich inheritance that he would enjoy for the rest of his life. At the same time, this left Abraham’s other children envying Isaac and desiring a portion of the treasure. Though it doesn’t state in Scripture that Abraham’s will was read publicly and his estate distributed accordingly, there had to be something that revealed Abraham’s desire for Isaac to receive everything he owned.

This may seem simplistic, but a “will” saves the family a lot of problems, both legal and personal. Losing a loved one is difficult enough, without complicating matters with family conflict. A will, also called a last will and testament, though it does not solve all problems, does limit the number of problems and confusion, as the deceased puts in legal writing prior to their death, exactly what is to happen upon their death.

If you don’t have a will in place your estate will go into probate, where a court will decide who will receive your assets. This can be long and exhausting and can hinder the grieving process. Not having a last will and testament drastically increases the chances of family conflict, which is easily avoidable with the presence of a last will and testament. Abraham saw fit to leave everything to Isaac, thus there was no argument over Abraham’s possessions. Because Abraham’s last wishes were known, grieving could follow a more normal pattern, unhindered by complications caused by arguing over inheritances.

If you don’t have a last will and testament, help is easily accessed over the internet with a simple search “How to Write a Will.” Make sure that your search is specific to your state laws.

In H. Norman Wright’s struggle with losing his spouse, he described grief as two trains that show up outside your front door. Let’s let Dr. Wright explain it…..

“It’s as though I entered a train station with two different sets of tracks and a train on each one. Most engines have names as did these two. One is named “Without” and the other is “Blessings.” At this time the “without” train is raging and has a full head of steam, ready to move in a second. The “blessings” train is sitting quietly. Every now and then it may let out a tiny puff of steam, but the other train is the one that forges ahead.”

“Someday…one day…the “without” train and its energy will begin to diminish. Its wheels will slow and its momentum will fade. Slowly, ever so slowly, it will fall behind its counterpart, and eventually, the “blessings” train will catch up with and pass the “without” train. The past will become a distant speck.”

“Once in a while “without” may forge ahead again, but it can’t sustain its former pace. For some reason it has to make its presence known. Perhaps it comes because some of the memories have dimmed and there’s a subconscious fear of forgetting the one who was loved. The train’s momentum is a cry to the memory of the loved one. “See, you haven’t forgotten….and you never will be!” And the “without” train falls behind again. And perhaps someday its wheels will slow even more, even grinding to a stop. A great sigh will come from the engine as it rests. “Without” has accepted you’re moving on in life. Its presence is no longer because someday “without” will be replaced by “together” again.”

Reflections of a Grieving Spouse, H. Norman Wright, page 31.

Genesis 25:1a, “Abraham took another wife…”

One of the most difficult parts of grieving the loss of a spouse is loneliness. Often the children are grown and gone, and the house is empty and silent. The awkward silence is deafening as there is no one to talk to, no one to invest your life in, no one to take care of, and no one to take care of you. For Abraham, after losing Sarah, he then found another wife to marry.

According to many researchers, the investment of energy in someone new is a normal part of the healing process. Once we lose a spouse, emotional energy is withdrawn from the deceased and held for investment in other relationships. Though it doesn’t have to be invested in another spouse, it can be if so desired. This seems to be more common in men than women, though I’m not sure why. Either way, there is no moral failure for wanting to experience again the warmth and care of another person.

But, one of the problems that can occur, and commonly does, is reinvesting in a new spousal relationship before one has had sufficient time to grieve the loss of your first spouse. Many people have begun new relationships too soon, and find themselves married to someone they may not even like because they moved too quickly and did not give themselves adequate time to grieve. For most amicable marriage relationships, it takes a minimum of 2 to 3 years to adjust to the loss of their spouse to the point they are healthy enough to move forward in another relationship.

When a person remarries too soon after a loss, they may experience hidden grief, because they don’t want their new spouse to know that they are still grieving the loss of their former spouse. When this happens it becomes complicated grief. A person needs time to fully grieve the loss of a spouse, and should only look to another spousal relationship if they have had adequate time to grieve, heal, and adjust to their loss. Even then, a person should move forward slowly, to ensure that they are okay with the decisions they are making.

There are several options for reinvesting emotional energy, such as spending time with family and friends. A person may want to renew their relationship with their sibling(s), as often siblings aren’t as close as they once were because of their marriage relationships. Another great way to reinvest emotional energy is by spending time with their children or grandchildren. Additionally, another great way to reinvest emotional energy is to volunteer in their church or civic organization, thus reinvesting in old friends or new ones. And of course, some people may even get a new pet that keeps the house from being too lonely and silent.

Please don’t think that remarriage can not be successful. There are many people who happily marry, after the loss of a spouse. Just be careful and don’t rush into a new marriage too soon. Give yourself time to properly grieve, heal, and adjust, before moving forward. It is better to cherish memories than to make memorable mistakes.

Genesis 23:4, “I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead….”

In the above verse, Abraham goes about the business of purchasing a field for the burial of Sarah. Abraham’s wife has passed away and he is in the early stages of grief when he has to buy a plot of ground for her burial.

One of the hardest things for families, after experiencing the loss of a loved one, is the business of burial. If you have experienced the loss of a loved one in recent years you already know that purchasing a casket and burial plot is not cheap. In fact, it is very expensive, with an average cost between $7,000 to $10,000. As if it wasn’t hard enough to experience the loss of a loved one, the financial burden of paying for a funeral often leaves the family in distress, especially for those families with limited resources.

Although most funeral home personnel are kind, compassionate, and sympathetic; it is still a business, and they are in the business of making money. If you have limited resources please be careful. You are very vulnerable at this point in the process, and often emotions can influence our spending when it comes to purchasing a funeral plan. Most of us want the best for our loved ones, but we may not be able to purchase the most expensive casket and vault. If you have limited resources, let the funeral home know so they can help you make reasonable decisions on the items you purchase. Most funeral home personnel, that I know, will help families that are in need and they don’t want to see families burdened beyond their ability to recover financially.

Genesis 23:1, “Sarah lived to be 127 years old, she died… and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.”

Abraham suffered the loss of his wife and it was devastating. Sarah had been by his side through thick and thin, in the good times and in the bad. Sarah had seen Abraham at his best and at his worst and was there until the end of her life. She was faithful to Abraham!

The loss was devastating, not only because of the love they shared but the life they shared. With every loss comes multiple secondary losses. Every role your spouse filled in your life leaves a void. Abraham not only lost his wife, but he also lost his best friend, comforter, encourager, lover, and much, much more. The list goes on! With every loss, there are between 20 to 30 secondary losses, many of which you never see coming. The shock of losing your spouse is multiplied by the secondary losses you face. Many of your secondary losses may be obvious, but most will surface later as things you never thought about. When it hits you, it will often leave you in a state of shock.

The things that shock you may be something big or small. It may be as big as having to pay the bills that your spouse always took care of, or it can be as small as putting on a new car tag. We often fret over the big things and take the simple things for granted, but the little things keep surfacing after a loss. During the first year it seems that these secondary losses come in unending waves, while you are still trying to catch your breath from the last wave. It is during these times that you will struggle with staying afloat, and often wonder if you will stay afloat or even have the desire to stay afloat.

It is at this point when you need to reach out to family and friends for support. If you have adult children, they may have to do a little more than they are used to doing, and that is okay. It may be that you ask a neighbor or a friend to help, or possibly someone from your church. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Most people will help with whatever you need, if they only know about it.

Proverbs 27:10b, “better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.”

Genesis 16:13, “She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her, “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

In our own grief and misery, we often feel that the Lord is nowhere to be found. When a person feels so all alone, often questions arise in their mind; “Where is God?”, “Is God hearing my prayers?” or “Is God seeing my misery?” This is one of the most difficult times of grief and loss, which leads to loneliness and isolation.

For many people, grief is so lonely that they don’t feel like being around people, and the only one you really trust to know how you feel is God. Yet in that isolation and grief, sometimes it seems that God is so far away, so far away that you feel isolated from the One who loves you the most. When this happens the loneliness of grief can lead to despair and maybe even depression.

Yet, we learn, as Hagar did in the above passage, that God has been there the whole time. When Hagar felt all alone and abandoned by God, He was there. We have a God that hears our cries of misery and sees us in distress, and He loves us, and He calls to us through the misery and darkness to let us know that He is there. May we all experience the presence of God in our time of need and let the God of all comfort console us and pull us out of the misery and despair of our grief.

2 Corinthians 7:6, “But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus,…”

It cannot be overstated, the presence of a godly friend in our time of need is indispensable. In the above passage, Paul was comforted by the presence of Titus. Paul’s point is that God comforts the downcast, and He does it often through the presence of a faithful friend. A faithful friend in our time of discouragement does our hearts good. As we close out the new year and look forward to 2023, let it be our goal to be faithful friends to those in need. There are a lot of hurting people, and you may be the comforting presence someone needs. Remember those in need around you and be that faithful friend.

Genesis 11:30, “Now Sarai was barren; she had no children.”

Bereavement is the painful period of time one experiences after lossing a loved one who has died. Grief, on the otherhand, is the painful emotion that comes with any loss, not only death. In the above passage, Sarai was experiencing the grief over being barren, the inability to have children. It is normal for women to desire having children, as it is one of the great expectations a woman has after being married. For Sarai, she was grieving the barren womb and the loss of unfulfilled dreams.

Grief and and loss comes in many forms. Individuals grieve after the failure of a marriage, as divorce becomes a reality. Individuals may grieve over the loss of jobs, or the loss of incomes after a job change. Individuals may grieve over the loss of role status, such as retirement. Individuals may grieve over the loss of dreams or goals they wanted to achieve in life. Grief comes in many forms and is common to everyone, not just through the loss of a loved one.

We will all experience the loss of loved ones and we will all experience many losses in life that are not connected to death. Grief is common to every man, woman, and child. We are not immune, though we wish we were. Yet, we need to remember that God is good and He is with us through life’s losses. In Genesis 15:1, God told Abram, “Do not be afraid, Abram; I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward.” NKJV

Job 42:11, “All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the Lord had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.”

As Job continued to suffer as he grieved the loss of His children, a beautiful thing happened. All of Job’s siblings and close friends blessed him with their presence, as they all came to his house to comfort and console Him. At the same time, they also blessed him with presents. They came for the right reason- to comfort and console Job, and they came with a gift.

In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, one of the five languages is that of receiving gifts. Gifts convey thoughtfulness and are a tangible expression of love. Also, gifts are memorable and last much longer than fresh flowers. Gifts are a tangible expression of inward thoughtfulness that conveys love.

For Job, the gifts from family and friends were also a part of the restoration of God’s blessings. Though Job had lost most of his wealth, the Lord was restoring His blessings and using others to do so. Presence and Presents both provide a valuable means of healing and restoration.

Job 35:16, “So Job opens his mouth with empty talk; without knowledge, he multiplies words.”

We are prone to it! Without exception, we open our mouths with “empty talk.” There is a certain amount of normalcy in grief that leads us to vain babbling. There is also a therapeutic effect to talking. One of the greatest things a companion/friend can do is to be a non-judgmental listener, which allows the grief sufferer to fully express his/her feelings.

As Job talks, he is expressing his feelings through words. He reveals his thoughts and sufferings through “empty talk.” One of the worst things a friend or companion can do is judge the grief sufferer and try to correct them during this time period. This type of correction serves to bolster the pride of the caregiver as if he/she has more perfect knowledge. On the other hand, it often leads the grief sufferer to “clam up” and further suppress their true feelings, which is not healthy.

The most important thing that a caregiver/companion can do is to listen! Job’s friends were judgmental toward Job and accused him of bringing everything on himself. They accused him of a hidden sin worthy of accusation. What they did not know at the time, was that the Lord had declared Job righteous. Job was not blaspheming God by sharing his deepest thoughts and feelings, but he did give God all his emotions. When we are around a grieving family member or friend, let’s be careful what we may say, so that we don’t hinder the healing process as a grief sufferer expresses his/her feelings through words. They may seem like “empty talk” at the time, but may have a healing effect on the grief sufferer.

As one scholar suggested for grief companions, “Show up, shut up, and stay a while!”