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Job 14:5, “Man’s days are determined, you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.”

Death is a reality of sobering thought for every person! We don’t know when or how it will come, but we do know it will come. Scripture tells us that our days are numbered by the Lord. If we knew the length of our days we might have adequate time for anticipatory grief, but at the same time, it would be a little scary, even for the spiritually prepared. As I often say, “I’m prepared, but not in a hurry.”

By “prepared”, I mean at peace in my relationship with God. The Christian believes that you can be prepared for death through faith in Jesus Christ, and His atoning sacrifice for sin. Jesus has promised eternal for those who believe in Jesus and receive salvation (John 3:16). This is achieved through repentance toward God and faith in Jesus Christ (Acts 20:21). Scripture tells us that “if we confess our sins He is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Scripture also tells us, “for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God- not of works so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). Salvation is a free gift of God, that cannot be earned or purchased. Confession of sin and receiving Christ by grace through faith are necessary preparation for the afterlife. With our days numbered, everyone needs to make preparations for the afterlife. In the Christian worldview, there is peace with God, access to God, and there is eternal hope. Romans 5:1-2, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.”

Genesis 38:12, “After a long time Judah’s wife….died. When Judah had recovered from his grief….

It may seem like recovery from grief will never come, but it will. You’ll never be the same, but you will recover to a new normal that you did not choose nor desire. Judah’s wife died and there was a time of grieving, but the Scripture says, “When Judah had recovered from his grief….” There was a definite point in time when Judah could pick up the pieces and move forward. He had been married a long time and had great grief. He recovered! At some point, he moved forward with his life. It didn’t say he got over his loss, but rather he recovered from his grief. Losing a spouse is not something you get over, but it is something you get through, recover from, and move forward with your life, though forever changed.

I can only imagine the pain of losing a spouse, someone you’ve invested your life in for many years and sometimes decades, and they are gone. Yet people experience this every day- the loss of their partner for life – married 20, 30, 40, 50, and even some 60 years or longer. Because death is common to all people, the loss of a spouse produces great grief. But, there comes a time “when” each person should recover from the grief, though they may never fully recover from their loss.

Exodus 3:7, “The Lord said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering.”

In this passage in Exodus, God informs Moses that He is very much aware of the needs of the children of God. He “sees” their misery, and He “hears” their crying out, and He is “concerned” for their well-being. In our suffering, we often reach a crisis of faith, where we may question the love of God. Common questions we may ask ourselves are, “Can He see my misery?”, or “Doest God hear my cries of despair?”, or “Does God really care?” Though these thoughts are common as we reach a crisis of faith, we must believe God’s Word to us.

In our pain and grief, we would do well to remember that God does see us in our grief and suffering, God does hear us in our cries of despair, and God does care! He is concerned for His children. He really is! Though He cannot remove the pain of grief, He loves us still, and He comes alongside us to comfort us while we grieve. We have a God who loves us! He sees us in our struggles! He hears our cries! And, He cares!

“When your spouse dies suddenly, the last time you were together is very significant. You remember the last conversation, the last touch, and the surroundings. It’s as though somebody hit the “freeze” button and the movie of your life stopped at that instant. You play it over and over in your mind.”
H. Norman Wright

Genesis 37:34-35, Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. “No,” he said, “in the mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.” So his father wept for him.

Though we know the rest of the story, Jacob grieved the loss of Joseph as a parent who experienced the death of a child. He wouldn’t know the truth for years to come, so it was real to him. The loss of a child is devastating for parents, whether it be an only child or the 11th of 12 children as it was with Joseph. For Jacob, it was even more difficult because Joseph was his “favorite” child, which can really complicate matters. His mourning and grief were so great that he felt like dying would be a joy so he could be with his son. That’s the overwhelming effect that grief has on parents. Acute grief in a parent’s loss of a child can be so traumatic that there is nothing a person can do to comfort them. All of Jacob’s sons and daughters came to comfort him and he refused their comfort. The truth of grief ministry is that a caregiver can only comfort the bereaved to the point that the grief sufferer allows them.

Grief is extremely personal and grief work can only be done by the grief sufferer, and even that is at their own pace. For Jacob, his grief could not be alleviated by the comfort of his other children. He wept for Joseph. His love for Joseph was so great that he refused to be comforted in his loss.

Genesis 35:8, “Now Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, died and was buried under the oak below Bethuel. so it was named Allon Bacuth.” (Allon Bacuth means “oak of weeping.”)

In this passage, we see the importance of places when it comes to grief. As we experience the loss of family or close friends, often certain places we grieve become hallowed ground. In the case of Rebekah’s servant, Deborah, Rebekah mourned greatly for the loss of her personal aide, so much so that they named her place of burial the “oak of weeping.”

Certain places, especially cemeteries, become places of weeping. These places become important in the grieving process as they are comfortable places to cry and express feelings without the worry of being judged by others. They allow for the full expression of feelings. A cemetery is the most common, but there could be other places, such as the family home, or even places in nature, such as a lake or stream.

The essence of the “oak of weeping” is that everyone needs a safe place to freely express the pain of the loss. Everyone needs a safe place to “let it all out.” Everyone needs a safe place to express their pain, anger, tears, screams of anguish, and even the wailing that may accompany great loss. Safe places become memorable places that allow us to free everything we hold in when we are in public. Surprisingly, the “oak of weeping” may also become a place we cherish, as it may become the place we feel the closest to the one we lost.

Genesis 32:28, “Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel.”

The name “Israel” means “wrestles with God.” At times in our lives we all could possibly have our name changed to Israel, as we all wrestle with God, at some point in our lives. In particular, are those times of grief when we lose someone we love and all of our religious cliches seem empty and unfulfilling. We are taught as children the attributes of God – He is good, loving, kind, compassionate, all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over His creations. Though all these things are true, we struggle and maybe even wrestle with how these attributes work in relation to death, grief, and loss.

Mentally we may ask, “If God is all-powerful, why did He allow my loved one to die?” Or maybe we ask, “If God is all-knowing, why does He not do something about it?” Or maybe, “If God is ever present, then where was He when my loved one died?” Death, grief, and loss often shatter our childlike faith and cause us to question the truths we have been taught all our lives.

We must remember that God did do something about it.

• Through men, sin entered the world and the “wages of sin is death…” (Romand 6:23)
• At the same time, “God demonstrated his love for us in this; while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
• And, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)
• Because of this, we do not grieve “as others who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) but have “victory through Jesus Christ our Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:57)
• Though death, grief, and loss are normal to every person, Christ did something about it! He defeated death and offers eternal life to those willing to repent and place their faith in Jesus Christ.
• Remember, when wrestling with God, He normally wins!

According to H. Norman Wright, “our memories have a built-in fade mechanism over which we have little control.” In his book, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse, Wright encourages the development of a “memory book,” or my choice is a “memory box.” A memory book would be considered a scrapbook where a person would put pictures, cards, or handwritten notes. A memory box is a box you fill with pictures, cards, handwritten notes, as well as objects that have significant meaning for you.

The idea behind a memory book or memory box is to capture your thoughts, feelings, and memories about him or her that will include written descriptions, visual reminders, and photographs of his or her life. Additionally, a memory books/boxes can be shared with or even compiled by mutlitple individuals. According to H. Norman Wright, they “represent an extension of a birth or wedding album, but with a focus on the last of life’s transitions.”

You can even use index cards to record your memories. Some of the statements to use are:

• My first memory of you was….
• My favorite times with you were…..
• What I love most about you is…..
• What others say about you is…..
• Your favorite activities were……
• Your favorite words of wisdom were….
• When I think of you, I….
• I keep your memory alive by……

Maybe you can think of some additional memory starters, to add to the list. Whatever you come up with, take the time to write down and begin collecting those memories in a memory book or memory box, and share them with your family. It is a healthy way to process your loss and keep their memory alive. If your loss is too fresh, you might have to wait a while, but tuck those special items in a safe place until you are ready. If you have had sufficient time to process your loss, then this can a fun activity filled with a few tears and occasional smiles, and maybe even a few laughs.

For further information, check out H. Norman Wright’s book, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse.

Why do we have to go through grief? What is the purpose?

Grief is about basically four things?

1. Through grief, you express your feelings about your loss. And you invite others to walk through it with you.
2. Through grief, you express your protest at the loss as well as your desire to change what happened.
3. Through grief, you express the effects you have experienced from the devastating impact of the loss.
4. Through grief, you may experience God in a new way that will change your life. Job said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5)

H. Norman Wright, Reflections of a Grieving Spouse, page 41.