What is the Ultimate Grief?

The loss of a child!

I’ve recently written articles on compound grief and delayed grief, using a friend’s testimony of her losing her son seven years ago and her husband four years ago. The fact that she had never addressed the reality of her son’s death, when she lost her husband, led to intense grief even seven years after her son’s death.

According to noted author, Dr. H. Norman Wright, the death of a child is unlike any other loss. He states that a “it is a horrendous shock no matter how it happens.” When you lose a child your world is turned upside down. And it’s not just your world that is destroyed. It impacts so many others, including siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and so on. But if you are a grieving parent, your grief is complex and intense. Unless others in your life have lost a child, they won’t fully understand.

Wright says that there are several issues at work when we lose a child:

• One of the most difficult and disturbing issues to handle is the wrongness of the child’s death. It just shouldn’t happen It doesn’t make sense. It’s death out of turn. Death violates the cycle that children grow up and replace the old.
• Another thing that stands out is the fact that a parent feels victimized. You feel as though you’ve lost part of yourself, or even part of your physical body.
• A child’s death also robs you of the love you received from your child, whether that be a young child or and adult child. You will miss the physical interaction with your child.
• A child’s death also robs you of your future. The anticipated years, full of so many special events, were ripped away from you. You experience so many other losses as well.

Dr. Wright states that “Because all these losses, your grief over the death of a child will be more intense and last longer than grief over the loss of anyone else. The death of a child had been called the ultimate bereavement.”

Dr. Wright further states that “No parent is ever prepared to lose a child regardless of the cause o the child’s age. But you can learn to recover and survive, and it is a learning process.”

Dr. Wright knew this by experience. He lost his son Matthew, at age 22.

If you have experienced the ultimate grief, you know all too well how difficult it is to work through it. I would encourage you to believe you will recover, and be patient with yourself as you work through your grief. Additionally, I would encourage you to join a support group with those who have experienced similar loss, especially if you have limited support from family and friends. Trying to work through your grief alone can prolong your recovery, as you isolate yourself from others. Lastly, but no less important, please don’t neglect the role of faith in your recovery. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and sees those who are crushed in the spirit.”

For further information on the ultimate bereavement, check out Dr. Wright’s book “Experiencing the Loss of a Family Member.” Quotes for this blog came from the book.